My subconscious and I are constantly at war. Okay maybe it's more of silent disagreement, a Cold War if you will. Two factions not really in direct conflict with each other, but both wait in baited breath on which of us will make the first move. In the meantime, all that is left is preparation, and everyone is screwed over by propaganda and paranoia. It's a nice little dynamic, if you don't mind living confused and afraid.
Consciously, I know what I want more or less. Get through the day, try to forward a few plans here and there, have fun. I know who and what I long for. No problem. Everything is clear cut, and deliberate attempts are made to reach out for those things. Regardless of the outcome, I'm sure this is what I'm going for.
But that all goes to shit when I actually hit the hay. You see, I've always hated my dreams, not only do they involve nonsensical scenarios that I barely remember when I wake up (other than the fact that those were really messed up situations that not even Uwe Boll would dare touch) but they often include individuals who I know in the waking world. It's, for the lack of a better or more accurate term, creepy. And I'd hate for that person to know that I dream of them because its awkward and disturbing. I'd hate to think I'm that disturbed. I hope I'm not.
You might say, that's not strange at all. We always dream about the people who we connect to , impact us or we have a certain interest in. See, here's the problem, when I'm awake, I know who this person is. When I sleep, it's a totally different person, and not a metaphorical sense. This leads me to two conclusions, either I'm lying to my waking self, and my subconscious is calling me out on my bullshit via the subterfuge of a pointless dream... or it's telling me of a better option. In either case, I'm pretty sure I'm at a loss here.
So damn you subconscious, this little game we're playing? I'm tired of it. Is it too much to ask for some clarity? I don't have time to do some Zen stuff to find oneness with you. Well, I actually do, but lack the discipline and concentration to even pursue that. But cut me some slack, I'm decided, it a may be a lost cause, but its still my choice. Stop trying to ruin/fix it for me. Because all you've done is give me vague and unrealistically hypothetical outcomes. I mean, come on, we're the same person after all. Would it kill you to try and meet me eye to eye here?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Things Left Unsaid Part 2
I'm not a fan of Grey's Anatomy. It's overly dramatic and the medicine seems crap shot at best. Heck I've made fun of it before in this blog. But I will admit that the narration, and how it coincides with the scenes, are bloody brilliant. It also helps a lot that Meredith Grey's voice, even in its dead pan form, just sounds made to deliver such lines. The season finale, was, in true melodramatic fashion, a cliffhanger. But rather than focus on the story and spoil it for the fans, we're going to focus instead, on the last lines of narration.
I once argued with a friend about letting such moments pass, or whether or not we should ever worry about what if, what could've been. While its easy to say, heck maybe even advisable never to ask ourselves that, never to look back on those things, can we truly, sincerely, and without doubt do so?
While the jury is out on which of us is correct, I'll be damned if I don't at least try something, make a plan, or set a goal. Because like what Dr. Grey said, it might all be gone tomorrow.
It's powerful, it's moving, and quite frankly whether you love or hate the show, it makes a lot of Goddamn sense. What more can one add? Sure we rarely find ourselves in life or death situations like in the show, and thank God for that. But perhaps that's what the line was alluding too. Such moments, such times, can never be truly foreseen. They come when we least expect it because frankly, we don't, won't and are too scared to even fathom those situations.
Meredith: Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.
- source wikiquote.org
I once argued with a friend about letting such moments pass, or whether or not we should ever worry about what if, what could've been. While its easy to say, heck maybe even advisable never to ask ourselves that, never to look back on those things, can we truly, sincerely, and without doubt do so?
While the jury is out on which of us is correct, I'll be damned if I don't at least try something, make a plan, or set a goal. Because like what Dr. Grey said, it might all be gone tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Enough
If you look to your left, you might remember this scene from the hit romantic comedy, Love Actually. It's not your typical romcom/chick flick, as it is one of the few movies to have multiple storylines that converge in the end and do it quite well. Sure it's still overly optimistic and has mad dash's to the airport which is typical of romantic comedies since time in memorial. However there is a hint of tragedy lying there somewhere and the airport scene is done in a manner that would be considered borderline satire. It's an amazing little movie with a great cast (Alan Rickman, Bill Nighy and Rowan Atkinson, what's not to like?) and is only one Hugh Laurie and John Cleese away from total awesomeness if not godhood.The scene depicted is perhaps one of the most memorable awwww-inspiring moments. Bloggers and bloggerettes have cited that scene a bajillion times which is somewhat strange because it pales in comparison to the wedding scene, which you'll have to watch as descbring it does it no justice. (Also, let's see you pull that off in your wedding). Now, if you haven't seen it, or plan on actually seeing it, it would probably be best you stop reading now. As the next paragraph might contain spoilers and overly mushy bullcrap.
Now, I mentioned the word tragedy and if you've seen the flick you're thinking to yourself, "how did that happen? Everyone in the goddamn movie found love even that douchebag pervert Colin!" (actually no they didn't). My sister had warned me that watching this would be depressing. And to be quite honest, it is, but not in the manner in which she thought it would be. Being single for nearly 3 years isn't the reason why the movie's ending can depress a man like myself. That scene, and many others however, is the black cloud, so to speak. What you missed here is what comes after, sure Keira Knightley's character went and gave him a kiss, the asshole is trying steal the girl from his best friend, but hey let's forgive him he just went in there WITHOUT HOPE OR AGENDA and told her the truth! No the truth did not set him free! It was the last word in that entire scene that freed the man, and it's a word that a lot of us struggle to use, for whatever motherfucking reasons we delude ourselve to believing. You know that word is?
ENOUGH.
Yes, that word. Wherein we finally admit that this was crazy, this feelings are wrong and Love Actually isn't all around because it missed by a motherfucking mile here. Yes I'm angry right now, not only because I can relate to it but also because it oh so fucking brilliant! Brilliant that one could hide behind the phrase "WITHOUT HOPE OR AGENDA" tell the truth, say Merry Fucking Christmas and go on with life. But guess what? It doesn't work that way. Even as much as we want to say that we simply came in and told the truth, not hoping for anything, not tyring to meet an end goal other than bearing your heart out, the aftermath is still there, and unlike a movie that can write it out and skip it, we still have to go through it.
Despite this rage-filled comment, I still like the movie. Despite the shallowness, the ridiculous optimism and feel-good-ish vibe, the story works. It's a bunch of love stories trying to prove to us that love is all around, regardless of what kind of love that is, what age, what nationalty and whether or not it works out in the end. Most people only see the sap and the mushiness, but I think there hasn't been a movie that can cover so many spectrums of love, the good and the bad while still making you smile in the end.
[Photo above taken from http://www.robertopereztoledo.com]
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Lost Causes
Lost causes are funny. They're perhaps the biggest jokes on humanity. All the world is in darkness, everything's going to shit and guess what, here we are, getting through just fine. Surviving, struggling, minding our own business and just looking on to get through the next day.
All of a sudden there's a little candle that gets lit. It's a friggin' shining beacon of high and holy hopes. This messianic source of light is the answer to the many lamentations that we secretly offer up every night, but dare not say out loud because we don't want to set ourselves up for disappointment. Finally, salvation is right in front of us in the form of this single burning candle that makes the gloom and doom a little bit bearable.
Then, the Universe, with it's amazing sense of dark humor, blows the goddamn thing out. Ouch.
A bevy of false hopes and shattered dreams later, you can't help but laugh. Here we were, actually challenging reality and the good ol' Universe, believing that maybe it all makes sense, that we can actually make the difference. But we're so jaded we just laugh it off, but really we're crying inside because as much as we don't want to admit it, it hurt.
But you know what's the real joke? It's not the fact that you actually thought it would work. No, not at all. The real kicker here is that you knew it was coming all along and you were in on it. And yet here we are, all butthurt and angry about it. Now that's a laugh.
Guess what, Life's a joke, and you're the punchline.
All of a sudden there's a little candle that gets lit. It's a friggin' shining beacon of high and holy hopes. This messianic source of light is the answer to the many lamentations that we secretly offer up every night, but dare not say out loud because we don't want to set ourselves up for disappointment. Finally, salvation is right in front of us in the form of this single burning candle that makes the gloom and doom a little bit bearable.
Then, the Universe, with it's amazing sense of dark humor, blows the goddamn thing out. Ouch.
A bevy of false hopes and shattered dreams later, you can't help but laugh. Here we were, actually challenging reality and the good ol' Universe, believing that maybe it all makes sense, that we can actually make the difference. But we're so jaded we just laugh it off, but really we're crying inside because as much as we don't want to admit it, it hurt.
But you know what's the real joke? It's not the fact that you actually thought it would work. No, not at all. The real kicker here is that you knew it was coming all along and you were in on it. And yet here we are, all butthurt and angry about it. Now that's a laugh.
Guess what, Life's a joke, and you're the punchline.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Pursuit of Happiness
No, I haven't seen Will Smith's movie of the same title. But I have heard good things, and brief synopsis from a friend. Of course further reading has pointed out that, while a very inspirational movie, it was more of fiction than anything else. Minus the rose-tinted glasses, the story is more of how a douche bag of a human being was at the right place at the right time. Why no, no one pissed on my cornflakes this morning, why do you ask?
C. P. Snow, some famous guy who just so happens to be a physicist and apparently a novelist once said that this pursuit of happiness is nothing but an exercise in futility, to paraphrase Mr. Snow. Of course, the little optimist who are all gaga over this bull crap known as the Secret would say something positive, like say, "it's because we don't find happiness, happiness finds us." Or say something nasty like call the good Mr. Snow a bitter, bitter old man. Well he's dead, and I'm pretty sure even if he was alive he couldn't care less if he was a bitter man, especially considering his accolades.
But perhaps that was the brilliance of the actual quote "The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it." It is open to the interpretation of the reader and allows for a multitude of wordplay, allowing one to come off wiser to his or her peers should he or she share it. But was that the true intent? A template for what would be numerous quotations that will find it's way to coffee cups and framed posters if not short and sweet little letters? I'd rather think not. But sure, whatever floats your boat and impresses the chicks right?
Truth be told, I am in total agreement of the quote in its current unmodified state. Too often has humanity given chase to this wild goose that is happiness. But more often than not, the fruit of their labors have come to naught, or if otherwise successful, they realize it wasn't all that it was made to be.
But that does mean we simply wait till happiness falls on our lap like mana from the heaven? No, on the contrary, my answer is rather on the semantic end. We shouldn't strive to look for something vague and inexplicable like the notion happiness. I mean do we even know what it looks like or what exactly that entails? But rather, we should, if the time permits, seek out the things that we know will make us happy. If you seek out the idea of happiness then all you have is an ideal situation in which reality will always fall short. But if you pursue something that is indirectly tied to the state of happiness i.e. something that you know will make you happy, be it love, food, money or power; then perhaps you will reach that state. .
C. P. Snow, some famous guy who just so happens to be a physicist and apparently a novelist once said that this pursuit of happiness is nothing but an exercise in futility, to paraphrase Mr. Snow. Of course, the little optimist who are all gaga over this bull crap known as the Secret would say something positive, like say, "it's because we don't find happiness, happiness finds us." Or say something nasty like call the good Mr. Snow a bitter, bitter old man. Well he's dead, and I'm pretty sure even if he was alive he couldn't care less if he was a bitter man, especially considering his accolades.
But perhaps that was the brilliance of the actual quote "The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it." It is open to the interpretation of the reader and allows for a multitude of wordplay, allowing one to come off wiser to his or her peers should he or she share it. But was that the true intent? A template for what would be numerous quotations that will find it's way to coffee cups and framed posters if not short and sweet little letters? I'd rather think not. But sure, whatever floats your boat and impresses the chicks right?
Truth be told, I am in total agreement of the quote in its current unmodified state. Too often has humanity given chase to this wild goose that is happiness. But more often than not, the fruit of their labors have come to naught, or if otherwise successful, they realize it wasn't all that it was made to be.
But that does mean we simply wait till happiness falls on our lap like mana from the heaven? No, on the contrary, my answer is rather on the semantic end. We shouldn't strive to look for something vague and inexplicable like the notion happiness. I mean do we even know what it looks like or what exactly that entails? But rather, we should, if the time permits, seek out the things that we know will make us happy. If you seek out the idea of happiness then all you have is an ideal situation in which reality will always fall short. But if you pursue something that is indirectly tied to the state of happiness i.e. something that you know will make you happy, be it love, food, money or power; then perhaps you will reach that state. .
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Moments part 2
What makes a moment great?
Just how do we dissect that one special instant? When it would seem that the world just fades away. When time stops and it's just you, that place, that person/those people are all that matters. The heart skips a beat, the scenario engraved in the mind, something that we will most assuredly cherish forever. When the past is truly behind us, and tomorrow can damn well wait. Because it's your time and on one else's. And you pray to the gods that it lasts just a little bit longer, just a little bit longer...
In that respect, just how much does it take to have it all come crashing down?
When does a wrong turn or a single mistake ruin days, weeks, months if not years of preparation and build-up? Could it be a small nick or a slight crack, creeping up slowly and surely. Shattering the dreams that you've paid so dearly for? Or perhaps it's swift and decisive, like a house of cards collapsing to a strong breeze or and excess in vibration. Is it a combination of various sins and faults, unchecked insensitivity and miscalculations born of stubborn arrogance or inculpable ignorance? Maybe it was doomed from the start, blinded by false hopes and delusive expectations?
For whatever the reasons, the factors or the correlations we see, for whatever questions and inquiries we ask, one thing is certain. These moments will come whether we like them or not. They will come as we stumble along or deliberately set a course for them. The people involved in these times are just as important, as they now share something with you. Whether that bond or the association is through love, hate, friendship, or whatever, they will cling to you, and you to them. After all is said and done, all that is left is memories.... memories that eventually fade. Just how do we dissect that one special instant? When it would seem that the world just fades away. When time stops and it's just you, that place, that person/those people are all that matters. The heart skips a beat, the scenario engraved in the mind, something that we will most assuredly cherish forever. When the past is truly behind us, and tomorrow can damn well wait. Because it's your time and on one else's. And you pray to the gods that it lasts just a little bit longer, just a little bit longer...
In that respect, just how much does it take to have it all come crashing down?
When does a wrong turn or a single mistake ruin days, weeks, months if not years of preparation and build-up? Could it be a small nick or a slight crack, creeping up slowly and surely. Shattering the dreams that you've paid so dearly for? Or perhaps it's swift and decisive, like a house of cards collapsing to a strong breeze or and excess in vibration. Is it a combination of various sins and faults, unchecked insensitivity and miscalculations born of stubborn arrogance or inculpable ignorance? Maybe it was doomed from the start, blinded by false hopes and delusive expectations?
But we can now choose to fight and retain those bonds those memories. Because in the end, when all is said and done, you need these experiences. Not as a crutch to bitterness. Or an excuse to reminisce of the good old days, but rather simply, to reminds us who we are.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Ob-la-Di, Ob-la-Da
Anyone with half a brain or at the very least, minuscule if not microscopic appreciation of true and great music made by bands like the Beatles should know that whenever someone says "Obla-Di, Obla-Da" the next thing you should say is "life goes on bra" okay, maybe not the "bra" part (stop snickering you sick perverts, it's JAMAICAN SLANG!). But if you fail to at the very least, mention that mentally, then you need to get up, go out, find a Beatles CD or go to your friggin' iTunes store and get this song, IMMEDIATELY. After that, you listen to it, listen with GREAT VIGOR mind you, and memorize that part. As for those young whippersnappers who think that Coldplay or The Script are the "shiznit" and think this isn't worth your time, you can go right ahead and to get off my fucking lawn.
Still there? Good. Congratulations, your taste in music isn't as bad. You somehow recognize, as the late great Beatle John Lennon calls it, "Paul (McCartney)'s Granny shit" as a classic. This upbeat song about happy little Desmond and Molly Jones and their happily ever after may be considered inspirational, probably why Lennon proceeded to call it "granny shit". As life goes on, no pun intended, the expression Ob-la-Di, Obla-Da became a defeatist statement. To paraphrase The Urban Dictionary, "What you say or say to somebody in the event of misfortune as to let is slide so to speak".
Frankly, we should all learn to say this phrase more. Life is nothing but a blind stumble through a dark corridor and the light at the end of the tunnel is death. Along the way we go through many doors that just still end up going back to that dark corridor. But each door represents the situations, the milestones of our lives. Whether good or bad, we can never go back through the same door again. So why get so bummed out about it? Get up, function, suck it up and move on. As cliche as it sounds, life waits for no one, and it will go on with or without you.
That doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't look back. Oh do so in your own good time if it helps remind you of the ass kicking the Universe decided to give you as a lesson, go right ahead. But never, ever, give that harlot the satisfaction of seeing you bleed to death all over it. If you do, I promise you you'll be missing a lot. So, there, Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, as the Yoruba like to say, life goes on bra.
That doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't look back. Oh do so in your own good time if it helps remind you of the ass kicking the Universe decided to give you as a lesson, go right ahead. But never, ever, give that harlot the satisfaction of seeing you bleed to death all over it. If you do, I promise you you'll be missing a lot. So, there, Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, as the Yoruba like to say, life goes on bra.
Friday, April 17, 2009
On Possibilities, Risks and Apologies
Life is full of possibilities.
But possibilities aren't always positive. See, we miss that little detail, the fine print so to speak. Blinded by that ignorance, we blame fortune, ourselves or whoever it is the reminds of that small and often overlooked disclaimer. But hey, we should know better right?
Who dares, wins, that's what the Aussies say. Face it, we won't go anywhere if we don't gamble. The idea of winning big and getting lucky is so appealing that we forget the definition of risking and gambling. Odds aren't always in our favor and more often or not, stacked against us.
What comes after is a negativity that we may carry on longer than we should. Someone once told me that real pain lasts only 12 minutes, the rest self-inflicted. Bullshit? No. Truth. What hurts the most is we knew better, we saw it coming and we knew that probabilities were against us. Yet here we are, broken down, downtrodden and in misery. Tough. That's life, that's how it is, no choice but to accept and suck it up champ.
But what if we succeed? Everything is forgotten and forgiven right? That's just wrong. We fail to realize that we still lost something in the process. Alienated people perhaps, maybe even lost someone's trust. Stepping on people and mowing down obstacles in our way, we lost sight of those who supported us, got our backs and called us friend. Maybe they're right, and they're better off, after all, what kind of idiot does that?
It is even doubly possible that we burn all these bridges and in turn still fail at the objective. Who then shall be there when we fall? There are no excuses, fix what needs to be fixed or accept that we screwed up big time. Then stop, say "Thank You", because even at the tail end, these people were there for you and looked out for you. Get your head out of your ass and at least acknowledge that.
Remember what is possible, what is worth risking and apologize sincerely for our trespasses. After that, just hope for the best, but expect the worst.
But possibilities aren't always positive. See, we miss that little detail, the fine print so to speak. Blinded by that ignorance, we blame fortune, ourselves or whoever it is the reminds of that small and often overlooked disclaimer. But hey, we should know better right?
Who dares, wins, that's what the Aussies say. Face it, we won't go anywhere if we don't gamble. The idea of winning big and getting lucky is so appealing that we forget the definition of risking and gambling. Odds aren't always in our favor and more often or not, stacked against us.
What comes after is a negativity that we may carry on longer than we should. Someone once told me that real pain lasts only 12 minutes, the rest self-inflicted. Bullshit? No. Truth. What hurts the most is we knew better, we saw it coming and we knew that probabilities were against us. Yet here we are, broken down, downtrodden and in misery. Tough. That's life, that's how it is, no choice but to accept and suck it up champ.
But what if we succeed? Everything is forgotten and forgiven right? That's just wrong. We fail to realize that we still lost something in the process. Alienated people perhaps, maybe even lost someone's trust. Stepping on people and mowing down obstacles in our way, we lost sight of those who supported us, got our backs and called us friend. Maybe they're right, and they're better off, after all, what kind of idiot does that?
It is even doubly possible that we burn all these bridges and in turn still fail at the objective. Who then shall be there when we fall? There are no excuses, fix what needs to be fixed or accept that we screwed up big time. Then stop, say "Thank You", because even at the tail end, these people were there for you and looked out for you. Get your head out of your ass and at least acknowledge that.
Remember what is possible, what is worth risking and apologize sincerely for our trespasses. After that, just hope for the best, but expect the worst.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
3:16
A man gives up his life so that millions' sins would be forgiven. What does that mean really?
Christianity has told the story countless times, focusing how the sacrifice of this man, who was the son of a god and, bizarrely the very god himself, saved us from our trespasses. John 3:16 goes with the ever memorable "For God so loved the world, He gave us his only son." It seems most of my fellow Christians memorize this scene by heart and yet fail to see how significant this alleged deicide, if one could even call it that, he did take up a mortal coil after all, and miss the underlying message (at least to me) of it all.
Whether or not you believe in the Christian Doctrine, or the Catholic Church or it's many variations, the crucifixion story lends wisdom, albeit an ideal one. Even the godless heathens, the agnostic and those of atheistic tendencies could learn from such melodrama. It's not a story of sacrifice personally, but a culmination of what the man, Jesus Christ stands for. That he was just that, a man (be it true that he was the spawn of a divine being or not) and very much like us. He was subject to the frailty of humanity, the faults and the glory that goes with our very existence. A man who inspired by spreading belief/lies to people who desperately need to hold on to something–faith, hope, illusions. He proved that one man can make a difference, for whatever those reasons and what the difference is is subject to our own personal interpretations.
More importantly, the entirety of his life wasn't just performing miracles or preaching life lessons to the people, but showing us that a man can be good. That with faith, and love, any man or woman can strive to be better than what is expected of him or her. That, to me, was what Jesus Christ represented. Either as a true-to-life inspiration or a lovable character of a story of fiction, he was for all intents and purposes, good, but human, meaning we too, can follow his example.
Yes one could say it's easier to put in a story, but if the idea exists, then perhaps the possibility does as well. After all, what else can change the very nature of a man (or woman) but ideas?
Christianity has told the story countless times, focusing how the sacrifice of this man, who was the son of a god and, bizarrely the very god himself, saved us from our trespasses. John 3:16 goes with the ever memorable "For God so loved the world, He gave us his only son." It seems most of my fellow Christians memorize this scene by heart and yet fail to see how significant this alleged deicide, if one could even call it that, he did take up a mortal coil after all, and miss the underlying message (at least to me) of it all.
Whether or not you believe in the Christian Doctrine, or the Catholic Church or it's many variations, the crucifixion story lends wisdom, albeit an ideal one. Even the godless heathens, the agnostic and those of atheistic tendencies could learn from such melodrama. It's not a story of sacrifice personally, but a culmination of what the man, Jesus Christ stands for. That he was just that, a man (be it true that he was the spawn of a divine being or not) and very much like us. He was subject to the frailty of humanity, the faults and the glory that goes with our very existence. A man who inspired by spreading belief/lies to people who desperately need to hold on to something–faith, hope, illusions. He proved that one man can make a difference, for whatever those reasons and what the difference is is subject to our own personal interpretations.
More importantly, the entirety of his life wasn't just performing miracles or preaching life lessons to the people, but showing us that a man can be good. That with faith, and love, any man or woman can strive to be better than what is expected of him or her. That, to me, was what Jesus Christ represented. Either as a true-to-life inspiration or a lovable character of a story of fiction, he was for all intents and purposes, good, but human, meaning we too, can follow his example.
Yes one could say it's easier to put in a story, but if the idea exists, then perhaps the possibility does as well. After all, what else can change the very nature of a man (or woman) but ideas?
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