Saturday, May 31, 2008

Luck

Just recently did I realize someone had sent me one those damnable chain letters via email. Granted this one did the usual shtick with a little bit of panache: A Chinese proverb in a power point presentation. While I wouldn't mock people who send me such things, I do however feel the need to rant on it given the ludicrous suggestion that something like this could bring me luck. Never mind that the past few weeks has found me in a fouler mood than usual.

Luck, is not something magical, it's simply a word that is attributed to randomness and invisible probabilities. The phrase "it's better to be lucky than good" can be twisted to become an excuse to people who would prefer to not improve upon skill. I believe in luck, but I never rely on it.

What is sickening to me perhaps, is that I almost actually thought of sending 20 copies of this... drivel to 20 other people. As if I finally admitted that I'm getting a bit desperate and would gladly welcome a guarantee that my supposed luck would turn around after 4 days. Fortunately (and it is somewhat amusing that I say that word) such ruminations are passing and I regained my senses quick enough to dismiss such a notion.

Whether these things are true or not is besides the point. It's all a matter of principle. If I ever got what I wanted out of sheer luck, I would be filled with a certain amount of positivity. But somehow that wouldn't feel as gratifying as gaining something I struggled for. In the immortal words of Kalapana "I want the real thing or nothing at all". When you get lucky, it doesn't feel AS REAL as something that was accomplished through your own actions. Of course, that doesn't mean that I would deny such fortunes, but it wouldn't hurt to aspire to recieve something that your deserve for the sheer reason that you struggled and endured for it.

Courtship

I never really believed in courtship. Granted I've tried it before (successfully and unsuccessfully). But as we grow older it just seem like a dance, filled with the usual pleasantries and tried and tested modus operandi designed to put the best foot forward. While some of that could be sincere, you can never take away that it's all a big giant act, a show, a charade. Theatrics meant to woo an audience with a promise that the script won't change. Unfortunately, that's not really the case, whether you want to believe that or not.

I'm a firm advocate of putting down all the cards, for both sides. "These are my quirks, my idiosynchrosese, my flaws and my true feelings towards you. Let's see if we click." Why is it so hard to do this? Granted there are couples who start off as such, but they are more the exception rather than the rule. Admittedly there is some appeal to age-old romanticism surrounding the practice of courtship, but in this day and age wherein gender roles are evolving to be more and more similar, the appeal is easily lost in steady stream of complexities. The premise (which is mutual attraction between two individuals) remains mostly the same, but the setting has gone beyond the innocent and arguably naieve narrative of olden times.

Instead we're still playing chess, hiding our true motives with a series of strategic feignts, positioning and whatnot. Maybe that's why they keep saying there's a thin line between love and hate. That's not to say, one shouldn't send flowers, forego serenades or pass on writing love letters and poems, but rather ask for something that should be present in any type of relationship: Honesty.

"You Complete Me", is just about the biggest crock of bullshit to come out of popular media. Admittedly, at first glance it does sound sweet, romantic and heart warming. But ultimately it's in line with this incessant web-weaving of deciet that I've been ranting about. Even worse is that despite how much I like the movie in which that line originated from, it's hardly in context and you don't really see how Jerry Maguire was incomplete withouth Dorothy Boyd.

Maybe, instead of fiinding someone to complete us, we should be complete for the ones we love. Because it is at that point, when we find ourselves complete, that we can come up to someone and tell them "I like you. We click, we get along. You know my agenda, my intentions. Your interests and mine may or may not coincide, but I feel drawn to them. What say we explore this and see if this goes deeper?" It is only when your convictions are true and sure that this will come of sincere.

Then again, this could be why I've been single for two years....

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Sensing the Inevitable

There are times when people get a quasi sixth sense, a sort of intuition. The ability to see things beyond the obvious (and sometimes, see what is obvious yet overlooked by many) and predict the impending outcome of situations. It's not magic or innate psychic abilities, but more of a combination of years of experience and wisdom with regards to human behavior that provides these unexplainable moments of clairvoyance.

Most often than not, these moments are best characterized as moments wherein one wishes to be wrong. "People can surprise you", true, but it wouldn't be called a surprise if it happens frequently enough. How then, should one handle such scenarios?

On one hand, you have optimism. Go against gut feel and logic and risk it all. While the Rambler has always ascribed to such reckless, devil-may-care choices which results to a pittance of fleeting regret, we cannot take away that feeling of self-loathing. A resonating "You knew this would happen" plays over and over again in our heads - an afterimage of stupidity, irrationality and a constant reminder of pain. This leads us to question: "was it worth it?" Despite knowledge that the game we are about to play a game that cannot be won, will the moral victory of saying "at least I tried" overshadow the realization that we fell to the grips of idiocy and futile wishful thinking?

On the other hand, we could salvage our pride and dignity by simply killing off such thoughts and feelings. Maybe even walk away, lick your wounds and focus on moving on to the next prospect. As defeatist as it may sound, it is quite difficult to refute the logic. Pull back before you get in too deep. Pain would be minimal, but would there's always that nagging feeling that could easily turn to regret or contemplation of what might have been.

Then again, what if you were wrong? What if, despite all the clear and obvious signs, you actually misread the message? Or maybe prevalent cynicism and negativity has clouded your judgment?

You'd think that having such foresight would prove beneficial. But why is it, whenever we sense the inevitable, we are more conflicted at what to do?

Friday, May 16, 2008

Another year older

I stand on the precipice of age, a quarter of a century in existence. It is quite overwhelming, given that it feels as the years just flew by. But it is also endearing, as I look back to all the joys, the laughter, the tears and wisdom gained along the way, I find that there are still many things in store for me. Most of which would probably never cross my mind today. 25 years is a long time, yet it still feels like I have only finished the first leg and everything seems new again.

Life is a journey, so they say. As we go through it we pass by multiple crossroads and paths, leading to answers (if not questions) on what to do with our mortal lives. Excuse the usage of banal statement, but saying "It's not the destination that counts, but the journey" is probably the truest statement comes to mind. After all, in life, the destination is, as much as we hate to admit it, death.

Experience is a gift. To deny that is foolish. Whether good or bad, memorable or not, anything we experience shapes us, molds our being and contributes to our growth. What I've been through, what I am and what I will become, I owe it all to experience. Still, no matter the cards I've been dealt, the decisions on what to do with them, lies solely on my choice and my free will.

What to expect now as I hit the big two-five? I don't know, and frankly I don't care. Take life as it comes. To plan is good, but in a world that prefers randomness, chaos and unforeseeable probabilities, even the best laid plans tend to falter. Accept and adapt. Savor the moments, enjoy, partake of life's cup of suffering and joy. That is what makes it worth living.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Define Attraction

According to WordNet:

  • the force by which one object attracts another
  • an entertainment that is offered to the public
  • the quality of arousing interest; being attractive or something that attracts
  • a characteristic that provides pleasure and attracts
  • drawing card: an entertainer who attracts large audience

Obviously, that doesn't answer the title. After all, the context of which the title was formulated is quite specific but does raise a valid query when speaking of interpersonal interactions, relations and what-have-you.

There can never be true significance to a relationship without attraction. Notice that the word true was added to that statement. After all, there are still people out there who are capable of deception and manipulation. The question really is whether or not attraction is immediate or gradual, if not both. Should one abandon all hope of progress simply because there was no initial attraction taking place? Of course, this raises the immediate objection that there are external factors influencing that decision. Bad experiences, personal biases, peer pressure and ability to read people are among the chief elements why such notions are made. However, there are times when individuals just get it right the first time, first impressions may last or gut feel can immediately tell one that this isn't worth pursuing.

On the flip side, and if you're familiar with the Disney animated film Beauty and the Beast, particularly the song Something There, there might actually be something there that wasn't there before. The correct term would be "it grows on you", then again the possibility of self-delusion i.e. wanting it so badly that you start rejecting reality is highly probable. Still, the wisdom in looking beyond the facade or under the tip of the proverbial iceberg is quite difficult to challenge.

While our mileage may vary, the conundrum of attraction befalls each and everyone of us. Even misanthropes, since well, they are still human and sentient enough to realize the need for human contact. The problem of determining it's presence is but the first step. Then one moves on to a more dreadful phase.... what to do with it.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Answers

Answers are, and have always been, a scarce resource of human civilization. Granted, answers can be easy to get given the right approach and/or resources, but really, how many of us have that capability? For the rest of us tortured souls, the answers we seek require a bit more questioning, time and luck. It is even unfortunate that due to certain circumstances that we face, some of us will have to suffer never getting answers to the questions that plague our conscience. Truly a breeding ground for regrets and failed aspirations. Meh, you'll live.

Then again, there are times that the answer simply comes with no work on our end. It could be in the form of self-realization or external stimuli. Frankly, such things are quite welcome considering just how much better it is to know what the score really is rather than be in the dark on such personal matters. Creating allusions to the truth, blinding and misleading. A lot more painful and disheartening in the long run to be quite honest.

The difficulty in knowing the answers is dealing with accepting them, if not the repercussions associated with them. Worse even, it seems answers always come in the form or rejection or disappointment that one is forced to ponder on the benefits of being clueless vis-a-vis knowing the truth.

Once accepted however, the answer becomes a thing of humor, a lesson, a reminder. It serves as a case study that you were once foolish, naive, and petty. I've always said that recovery is just a matter of getting to Point B from Point A, the in-between may be difficult, painful and depressing but you will eventually get there.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Questions

We've all experienced times when we, after an activity or long day at work, are forced to go into a auto pilot state. Of course, the state is hardly without brain activity, as the time spent on this long arduous trips back to our place of dwelling is reserved to more introspective matters. This commute is reserved, rather, for internalizing a million questions in our mind, wondering how this day, or the events prior to it, could've gone another way.

Once alighting your vehicle of choice, the outside world seems to hardly matter. The wonders of the human brain comes into play, despite an absence of focus, we manage to find our way home, whether driving or taking numerous stops via public transportation. Some may claim this time to be therapeutic, and it truly is.

We finds ourselves asking questions that we fear to ask another person, simply because the notion of vulnerability this implies scares us more than any we can imagine. The truth, the most honest to goodness facts are there, ripe for picking. While a few close confidants may know or have an idea of such, they will remain a closely guarded secret. As for how long, that, to be quite honest, is relative.

Was it something you said? Did you do the right thing? Should you have waited or did you wait too long? Should you have said the truth? Maybe it would be better if you lied back there? Would it better to just forget it? Is this something you will regret? Is this what you really want? Were you being stupid? Do you really love her? Does she even feel the same way? What does this mean to you? How will this affect you? Can you even go through with it? Does she know? Do they know? Think you can trust her? Can you trust them? Why are you even asking yourself this questions? Will you even find the answers? When the time comes, can you really say that you will do the right thing, or falter in the end like you've always have?

More often than not such questions have no answers, thrown into the winds of the mind, floating, never finding reprieve. While being plagued with such questions are maddening, it only lasts for the duration of the trip. What seems like countless hours was actually only a few minutes, and then it's over.

You find yourself empty, filled with uncertainties and nothing more. While this may constitute as self-inflicted torture to some, the mere act of asking them, even internally, is a form of release. Because as each question is left lingering and unresolved, you realize that in those few short moments, you confided in the best person in that situation: You.