Wednesday, February 17, 2010

2010: The First 2 Months

The problem with most people is that they tend to treat the New Year as a convenient reset-button that would erase all the setbacks they've undergone. Thus, they can rise from the ashes of their monumental failures with a clean slate, like some sort of phoenix that is made of win. From there, they can go on their merry little way making delusional resolutions and goals that are most likely, impossible or unattainable due to a complete lack of willpower on their part.

Of course, I myself am part of this collective called "most people" and would be branded a handsome little liar if I say otherwise. Because come on, it's so damn easy to think this way and perhaps even comforting to some degree. Heck, some might even recommend that kind of attitude, and sometimes they're right in doing so.

But you see, life doesn't change just because the number on the date changed. And it took two months of the so-called New Year to make me realize that. As one goes along, you figure that while there are a lot of changes going on, most of them aren't that big of a deal, or won't last long. As time passes, you will realize that the suck that plagued your previous year, hasn't really gone away. (Apparently suck has no expiry date)

Then again, that doesn't mean that you should abandon all hope. True change I believe shouldn't be planned, it should be realized, and simply done.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Christmas Post that Was

The problem, and I daresay it’s a major problem, is that this year’s Christmas is perhaps the most un-Christmas-y one we’ve had in recent years. And I’m sure I am not alone in this opinion, so hold your /wrist retorts for a moment.

It could be that recent tragedies have something to do with the gloomy Yuletide. What with a the wrath of nature still haunting us, or the images of one man’s greed and corruption leading to a massacre of such disturbing fashion. But that’s the beat of the Nation we’re talking about. It may have a say in how we perceive the holidays, but really, in such times it is the personal things that, in my own experience, dictate our orientation. Of course, if you ask me, this year, as in the whole of 2009, can go ahead and FUCK ITSELF.



Ahem... moving along...

The decrease in purchasing power could also be a factor, but if you think about it, it always is. Ergo, it is a given anyways. So it is not something we should actively look into, or Ted Mosby about too much. ((Oh hoho, he just used a HIMYM joke, comedy gold Jerry!) Wait, did I just use a Seinfeld joke to point out my HIMYM joke? Bricks are shiat as we speak!)).

Most people would say maybe they’re just getting old. Now, while that may seem like a valid point, I have to ask, if the person telling me that is 3 years or so younger, does that mean I grew up too late? Seriously, saying we’re just getting old is like, a cool way of trying to look worldly and all that shit. But I doubt it really is age because 3 years ago, I wasn’t feeling the same thing you’re feeling right now.

Perhaps it’s the over commercialization of it all, the traffic and need to wade through a sea of humanity just to certain individuals gift that, despite the effort you put into, is still subject to their petty judgment and criticism on how well you know them. Of course, that in itself is satisfying when one sees their faces light up with (feigned) appreciation, thus making all that retail royal rumble worthwhile.

Or perhaps, and I’d hate to think that this would be true, the paradigm has shifted to the point that Christmas isn’t something magical or special anymore. It’s still has cultural significance, but not as deep, or not as heartfelt as before. We are simply going through the motions of the season and act all normal when it’s over. In short, the spirit really is dead, like a horse, and we’re simply beating it, hoping that it would eventually come back to life.

I’d hate to think that we’ve become that jaded.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Chapter End, Chapter Start.

While I've always said I'm more of a hack writer than anything, I do take a certain pride in the craft. I'm not the best, but I make it a point that whatever is written serves the purpose intended in its creation. But 3 months ago, writing (mainly) for money was no longer the norm for me as I've decided to take a different path in my career as an Internet marketer.

As to what I do now for a living, I'm not entirely sure. I have a clear grasp of the basics, but that level of expertise to be able to describe it with certainty if not feigned credibility still eludes me. Granted, on whatever profession or craft, expertise and affinity come with time and learning. That never really ends, those who say they've done everything that needs to be done are kidding themselves.

I arrived at that decision both for financial and personal reasons. Not that I have a problem with money, but who doesn't like MORE money? The challenge is also nice, and makes whatever skill I've learned in the past all the more useful. Personally, I felt I needed a change of pace, which is always welcome first step when faced with what is more popularly known as "the funk".

Ending a chapter in one's story to start a new one is of course, not the ultimate solution to "the funk". In fact, one risks the danger of simply running away from a problem rather than making amends. The repercussions may not be evident, but it never hurts to think about the long run or the big picture or the grand scheme of things or whatever phrase better encapsulates that concept.

Still, starting fresh is so invigorating that it may exactly be what I needed. Also, I'd like to think that in my case, I didn't run from a problem, I just tightened up some loose ends and went on a different path. The knowledge, or lack thereof, of the outcome is something else. It keeps you on your toes, and it makes you curious and eager. I'd say having that kind of attitude and situation is ideal when starting from scratch.

But then again, chapters aren't independent of each other. A story is separated in chapters to add a semblance of organization, but in the end they all tie in to form the entirety of the story. Some people take advantage of this and plan out the chapters of their lives. But at best, they're making a rough outline. Let's face it, no one is certain what the future brings. I'm not a fan of that approach, as a story with unexpected twist or turns is always compelling. At the same time you can't blame people who want to stick to a tried and tested structure with little to no surprises. Chances are if it was a good story that is worth of the title classic, an iteration of it with slight variations are bound to be good. Me? I'll stick to the uncertainty thankyouverymuch.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

It's Been A While

Most blogs have a limited life cycle that doesn't necessarily mean there is an end to all this (unsolicited) sharing of the author's thoughts. During this cycle there is that time that majority of the blog posts that would follow include a bevy of apologetic posts on how busy one has been, thus disabling them from clacking their keyboards, putting on their (ugly) writer's hat and composing a post. This goes on and perhaps the author just loses interest, abandoning the project altogether.

Now, I could've gone down that path, but then again, I doubt my readership is large enough to be disappointed in the knowledge that this blog is on its death throes (do I even have a readership? what the hell is a readership anyway?). So I will belay that part of the cycle for the time being. So I guess that's somewhat good news for the few poor souls who, for whatever reason beyond my limited ken, still read this damnable collection of hackneyed drivel.

Self-depreciation aside, reality has a way of simply draining away whatever passion or zest a person once had on any particular venture. In this case, having endured several changes in my own arduous boondogling that I call a job and a disappointment brought about by a hard slap to the face care of the Universe (with hugs and kisses mind you, too bad I hate hugs), I find myself simply exhausted and frustrated to come up with the (doubtful) creativity that once fueled this medium and waste several minutes/hours and bandwidth. It's not writers block per se, simply fatigue with a pinch of depression (dramatic writer is dramatic, and lame with lame memes). Ok fine, most of it was laziness, but let's not have solid facts mar my nigh-believable excuse here.

So does this post mean there will be more updates in the horizon? Perhaps. Maybe if I feel like it. Truth is, there have been many things that I would've love to put into writing, but I felt that it was unecessary because frankly, they're mean, like, really mean, much like this girl. That and most of the emotion behind such words are juvenile and born of rage with a (un)healthy dose of bitterness. I'd like to think I'm better than that or stronger at least. And whoever they are supposed to be addressed to don't deserve such a thing. So Cest la vie, Ob-la-Di Ob-la-Da, and whatnot.

So where do we go from here? How many times have I said that really? The answer to that query is rather fortune-cookie-ish if not true to my spontaneous and whimsical nature: we'll see. See, its a lot like what Claire Colburn (played by Kristen Dunst in the severly underrated and little known flick Elizabethtown) said: "You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it. And proceed." I'm not so sure about the five minute, but proceed we shall.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Game. Set. Match.

[photo taken fromlouiseloveselvis (Louise Morgan)'s photostream]

In the game of life, there are winners, and there are losers. Losers will tell you that there is no game, but that's just them trying to make their loss go away. Me? I'm not afraid to admit defeat. Because for every loss and failure is a lesson. That is not to say, that the pain of that shortcoming isn't felt, or regretted.

A person can only take so much, and sometimes, all it takes is one bad day to change a person forever. That bad day already came, and yes, it did change everything. But what happens when another comes along? Will the change be as drastic, or will the soul finally succumb to the madness?

So here I am, another bad day, or should it be a year? Doesn't matter. It hurts just as much. A man can only try to see the bright side for so long until he is reminded how unfair and cruel the world is. All that left is hate and regret. But not hate for anyone. More on hate for myself, because I knew what I was getting into, I knew the consequences, and more importantly, I knew the impossibility of it all.

I'm sorry if I wasted your time. I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries. I'm sorry if I was too forward. And more importantly, I'm sorry that I broke my promise that nothing need change. At the same time, thank you, for reminding me exactly why I am the way I am: A bitter cynic who trusts very little, and always expects people to lie and ultimately disappoint you.

Where does this take me? Who knows. All I know is right now, I need to lay low, heal up and hopefully bounce back. There will be a lot of bitterness, I can't help it. But know that I am never blaming you, just me.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Smile More

And now, for something a wee bit personal...

People who know me well enough know that I've only been in two relationships, one with my high school sweetheart and the other with a former co-worker. I'd rather not get into the details in order to protect both their privacy. Suffice to say, I'm still good friends with my first ex (that would be the high school sweetheart one. Keep up will you). No, it's not holding on just so we could get back together, that ship has sailed and we grew into different people who probably wouldn't fall in love the way we did back in high school. Right now however, she is one of my most trusted confidantes because I don't have to worry about being judged, we've been through so much that I believe she has a good idea as to who or what I am.

In a rare opportunity to actually talk heart to heart with her, she made this complaint about my current attitude (although what's so current about it? I've always been like this). i.e. my cynical outlook, my anti-social tendencies and the fact that I'm just one big Negative Nancy. Can you blame me? Every time I try to see the glass as half-full I am reminded by someone that it's just a friggin' glass of water, nothing more. Not a clever metaphor to describe on what end of the the pscyho-philo-whatever spectrum you're at. So her wish for me was to simply smile more.

But like I've always said, behind every smile is a story. Lately there isn't story that's worth telling with a smile (cue /wrist). This is the part where she vehemently chastises me for being negative again. I could promise myself to be more positive towards things and people and situations. But that would be a lie. What is needed here is genuine change not something held up by a promise but by a sincere willingness to change.

Yes I will still heed her advice. Yes I will try a hint of positivity. No, there will still be no hugging. But it's not an overnight thing. Also it's not a complete overhaul, just a few minor adjustments. So here's hoping that I get to actually smile more. I just hope and pray that you (you know who you are, ok maybe not) will be a big part of it.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Why is it that, when we're hurting, we prefer to try and fool our mind into piling mundane concerns in order to bury that unpleasant memory in the deep recesses of our mind? Take workaholics for example, while some are legitimately passionate about what they do, a lot are probably just trying to keep themselves busy, fabricating a barrier of responsibility, burden and duty to keep the pain, the longing and the realization of failure at bay.

Why do people who are "happily single" insist that they are happy? It's like they're not talking to you, but a mirror instead. A lie said over and over again will eventually be accepted as the truth, but in this case, the audience seems unconvinced majority of the time.

Is it denial or hope that fuels these self-contradicting behaviors?

Doubt surrounds us, a large majority of famous people had many doubters, and they would proceed to prove these people wrong. But I'm willing to bet that it didn't matter how many detractors these people had, because the bottom line is, even if the whole world is against you, even if the people you trust the most begin to question you, at the end of the day, it's just one person that really needs convincing, that really needs to be proven wrong:


Saturday, June 20, 2009

Right Guy, Right Time

"The good guys are either taken or gay?"

I'm sure we've all heard this before (and if you haven't, get a life, seriously). Most men who've heard this from a befriended prospect have probably felt the urge to wave their hands around and shout "EXCUSE ME, I'M RIGHT HERE!". Those who haven't been in such a situation are pretty lucky or at least know when to pick their battles.

Seriously, this is why I can't help but think the world is one sick little joke. When the label of "nice guy" stops being the final nail on the coffin to your campaign of romance rather than a plus or indication that you're nearing your goal, then maybe I'll start thinking that this world is all about sunshine and rainbows. Alas, that is most often or not the case. Tough.

Friend told me once, I'm just bitter. I asked this friend to tell me I'm wrong, she can't, say I'm really just bitter. Whether she accepts it or not, I have no idea. But yes, I am bitter about it. When a prospect has full knowledge of your intentions tells you that there are no more decent men out there, I consider that a hint. Am I reading too much into it? Perhaps I am. But it does paint quite the picture, a very unpleasant one.

What was it that Famke Jansen's iteration of Jean Grey said? Oh yeah: Girls flirt with the dangerous guy, Logan. They don't take him home. They marry the good guy. So maybe there is hope. Yeah sure, anyone who fits the description of a good guy is going to love that. Thank you for reinforcing the notion that "Nice guys finish last." That'll make him feel better. (Protip: it won't)

Of course, the question is, how sure are we that we are the right person for someone? It's quite arrogant to claim that you're everything that girl is looking for if you think about it. You may be the decent old chap, never hurt anyone, and would probably provide your mark with everything she may ever need. But that doesn't guarantee you're perfect for her. Human beings are so dynamic that while personally types can give you a general idea of how a person reacts to things, it's still not iron clad, and people do change, and lie.

Then there's that notion of timing. I'd elaborate but really, timing is relative to a person who claims that they're just waiting for the right time. It could cover a number of events, phenomena or dialog, bottomline is, you will never get it and will probably just be lucky you got the timing right.

Unfortunately, best way around this beautiful little mess is to stick to it, suck it up, and plow through. Eventually the answers will come and you don't end up on the friend zone.

Still think it's a cruel joke though.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Damn You Subconscious

My subconscious and I are constantly at war. Okay maybe it's more of silent disagreement, a Cold War if you will. Two factions not really in direct conflict with each other, but both wait in baited breath on which of us will make the first move. In the meantime, all that is left is preparation, and everyone is screwed over by propaganda and paranoia. It's a nice little dynamic, if you don't mind living confused and afraid.

Consciously, I know what I want more or less. Get through the day, try to forward a few plans here and there, have fun. I know who and what I long for. No problem. Everything is clear cut, and deliberate attempts are made to reach out for those things. Regardless of the outcome, I'm sure this is what I'm going for.

But that all goes to shit when I actually hit the hay. You see, I've always hated my dreams, not only do they involve nonsensical scenarios that I barely remember when I wake up (other than the fact that those were really messed up situations that not even Uwe Boll would dare touch) but they often include individuals who I know in the waking world. It's, for the lack of a better or more accurate term, creepy. And I'd hate for that person to know that I dream of them because its awkward and disturbing. I'd hate to think I'm that disturbed. I hope I'm not.

You might say, that's not strange at all. We always dream about the people who we connect to , impact us or we have a certain interest in. See, here's the problem, when I'm awake, I know who this person is. When I sleep, it's a totally different person, and not a metaphorical sense. This leads me to two conclusions, either I'm lying to my waking self, and my subconscious is calling me out on my bullshit via the subterfuge of a pointless dream... or it's telling me of a better option. In either case, I'm pretty sure I'm at a loss here.

So damn you subconscious, this little game we're playing? I'm tired of it. Is it too much to ask for some clarity? I don't have time to do some Zen stuff to find oneness with you. Well, I actually do, but lack the discipline and concentration to even pursue that. But cut me some slack, I'm decided, it a may be a lost cause, but its still my choice. Stop trying to ruin/fix it for me. Because all you've done is give me vague and unrealistically hypothetical outcomes. I mean, come on, we're the same person after all. Would it kill you to try and meet me eye to eye here?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Things Left Unsaid Part 2

I'm not a fan of Grey's Anatomy. It's overly dramatic and the medicine seems crap shot at best. Heck I've made fun of it before in this blog. But I will admit that the narration, and how it coincides with the scenes, are bloody brilliant. It also helps a lot that Meredith Grey's voice, even in its dead pan form, just sounds made to deliver such lines. The season finale, was, in true melodramatic fashion, a cliffhanger. But rather than focus on the story and spoil it for the fans, we're going to focus instead, on the last lines of narration.

Meredith: Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.
- source
It's powerful, it's moving, and quite frankly whether you love or hate the show, it makes a lot of Goddamn sense. What more can one add? Sure we rarely find ourselves in life or death situations like in the show, and thank God for that. But perhaps that's what the line was alluding too. Such moments, such times, can never be truly foreseen. They come when we least expect it because frankly, we don't, won't and are too scared to even fathom those situations.

I once argued with a friend about letting such moments pass, or whether or not we should ever worry about what if, what could've been. While its easy to say, heck maybe even advisable never to ask ourselves that, never to look back on those things, can we truly, sincerely, and without doubt do so?

While the jury is out on which of us is correct, I'll be damned if I don't at least try something, make a plan, or set a goal. Because like what Dr. Grey said, it might all be gone tomorrow.