Chapter End, Chapter Start.

While I've always said I'm more of a hack writer than anything, I do take a certain pride in the craft. I'm not the best, but I make it a point that whatever is written serves the purpose intended in its creation. But 3 months ago, writing (mainly) for money was no longer the norm for me as I've decided to take a different path in my career as an Internet marketer.

As to what I do now for a living, I'm not entirely sure. I have a clear grasp of the basics, but that level of expertise to be able to describe it with certainty if not feigned credibility still eludes me. Granted, on whatever profession or craft, expertise and affinity come with time and learning. That never really ends, those who say they've done everything that needs to be done are kidding themselves.

I arrived at that decision both for financial and personal reasons. Not that I have a problem with money, but who doesn't like MORE money? The challenge is also nice, and makes whatever skill I've learned in the past all the more useful. Personally, I felt I needed a change of pace, which is always welcome first step when faced with what is more popularly known as "the funk".

Ending a chapter in one's story to start a new one is of course, not the ultimate solution to "the funk". In fact, one risks the danger of simply running away from a problem rather than making amends. The repercussions may not be evident, but it never hurts to think about the long run or the big picture or the grand scheme of things or whatever phrase better encapsulates that concept.

Still, starting fresh is so invigorating that it may exactly be what I needed. Also, I'd like to think that in my case, I didn't run from a problem, I just tightened up some loose ends and went on a different path. The knowledge, or lack thereof, of the outcome is something else. It keeps you on your toes, and it makes you curious and eager. I'd say having that kind of attitude and situation is ideal when starting from scratch.

But then again, chapters aren't independent of each other. A story is separated in chapters to add a semblance of organization, but in the end they all tie in to form the entirety of the story. Some people take advantage of this and plan out the chapters of their lives. But at best, they're making a rough outline. Let's face it, no one is certain what the future brings. I'm not a fan of that approach, as a story with unexpected twist or turns is always compelling. At the same time you can't blame people who want to stick to a tried and tested structure with little to no surprises. Chances are if it was a good story that is worth of the title classic, an iteration of it with slight variations are bound to be good. Me? I'll stick to the uncertainty thankyouverymuch.

It's Been A While

Most blogs have a limited life cycle that doesn't necessarily mean there is an end to all this (unsolicited) sharing of the author's thoughts. During this cycle there is that time that majority of the blog posts that would follow include a bevy of apologetic posts on how busy one has been, thus disabling them from clacking their keyboards, putting on their (ugly) writer's hat and composing a post. This goes on and perhaps the author just loses interest, abandoning the project altogether.

Now, I could've gone down that path, but then again, I doubt my readership is large enough to be disappointed in the knowledge that this blog is on its death throes (do I even have a readership? what the hell is a readership anyway?). So I will belay that part of the cycle for the time being. So I guess that's somewhat good news for the few poor souls who, for whatever reason beyond my limited ken, still read this damnable collection of hackneyed drivel.

Self-depreciation aside, reality has a way of simply draining away whatever passion or zest a person once had on any particular venture. In this case, having endured several changes in my own arduous boondogling that I call a job and a disappointment brought about by a hard slap to the face care of the Universe (with hugs and kisses mind you, too bad I hate hugs), I find myself simply exhausted and frustrated to come up with the (doubtful) creativity that once fueled this medium and waste several minutes/hours and bandwidth. It's not writers block per se, simply fatigue with a pinch of depression (dramatic writer is dramatic, and lame with lame memes). Ok fine, most of it was laziness, but let's not have solid facts mar my nigh-believable excuse here.

So does this post mean there will be more updates in the horizon? Perhaps. Maybe if I feel like it. Truth is, there have been many things that I would've love to put into writing, but I felt that it was unecessary because frankly, they're mean, like, really mean, much like this girl. That and most of the emotion behind such words are juvenile and born of rage with a (un)healthy dose of bitterness. I'd like to think I'm better than that or stronger at least. And whoever they are supposed to be addressed to don't deserve such a thing. So Cest la vie, Ob-la-Di Ob-la-Da, and whatnot.

So where do we go from here? How many times have I said that really? The answer to that query is rather fortune-cookie-ish if not true to my spontaneous and whimsical nature: we'll see. See, its a lot like what Claire Colburn (played by Kristen Dunst in the severly underrated and little known flick Elizabethtown) said: "You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it. And proceed." I'm not so sure about the five minute, but proceed we shall.

Game. Set. Match.

[photo taken fromlouiseloveselvis (Louise Morgan)'s photostream]

In the game of life, there are winners, and there are losers. Losers will tell you that there is no game, but that's just them trying to make their loss go away. Me? I'm not afraid to admit defeat. Because for every loss and failure is a lesson. That is not to say, that the pain of that shortcoming isn't felt, or regretted.

A person can only take so much, and sometimes, all it takes is one bad day to change a person forever. That bad day already came, and yes, it did change everything. But what happens when another comes along? Will the change be as drastic, or will the soul finally succumb to the madness?

So here I am, another bad day, or should it be a year? Doesn't matter. It hurts just as much. A man can only try to see the bright side for so long until he is reminded how unfair and cruel the world is. All that left is hate and regret. But not hate for anyone. More on hate for myself, because I knew what I was getting into, I knew the consequences, and more importantly, I knew the impossibility of it all.

I'm sorry if I wasted your time. I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries. I'm sorry if I was too forward. And more importantly, I'm sorry that I broke my promise that nothing need change. At the same time, thank you, for reminding me exactly why I am the way I am: A bitter cynic who trusts very little, and always expects people to lie and ultimately disappoint you.

Where does this take me? Who knows. All I know is right now, I need to lay low, heal up and hopefully bounce back. There will be a lot of bitterness, I can't help it. But know that I am never blaming you, just me.

Smile More

And now, for something a wee bit personal...

People who know me well enough know that I've only been in two relationships, one with my high school sweetheart and the other with a former co-worker. I'd rather not get into the details in order to protect both their privacy. Suffice to say, I'm still good friends with my first ex (that would be the high school sweetheart one. Keep up will you). No, it's not holding on just so we could get back together, that ship has sailed and we grew into different people who probably wouldn't fall in love the way we did back in high school. Right now however, she is one of my most trusted confidantes because I don't have to worry about being judged, we've been through so much that I believe she has a good idea as to who or what I am.

In a rare opportunity to actually talk heart to heart with her, she made this complaint about my current attitude (although what's so current about it? I've always been like this). i.e. my cynical outlook, my anti-social tendencies and the fact that I'm just one big Negative Nancy. Can you blame me? Every time I try to see the glass as half-full I am reminded by someone that it's just a friggin' glass of water, nothing more. Not a clever metaphor to describe on what end of the the pscyho-philo-whatever spectrum you're at. So her wish for me was to simply smile more.

But like I've always said, behind every smile is a story. Lately there isn't story that's worth telling with a smile (cue /wrist). This is the part where she vehemently chastises me for being negative again. I could promise myself to be more positive towards things and people and situations. But that would be a lie. What is needed here is genuine change not something held up by a promise but by a sincere willingness to change.

Yes I will still heed her advice. Yes I will try a hint of positivity. No, there will still be no hugging. But it's not an overnight thing. Also it's not a complete overhaul, just a few minor adjustments. So here's hoping that I get to actually smile more. I just hope and pray that you (you know who you are, ok maybe not) will be a big part of it.

In-fighting

Why is it that, when we're hurting, we prefer to try and fool our mind into piling mundane concerns in order to bury that unpleasant memory in the deep recesses of our mind? Take workaholics for example, while some are legitimately passionate about what they do, a lot are probably just trying to keep themselves busy, fabricating a barrier of responsibility, burden and duty to keep the pain, the longing and the realization of failure at bay.

Why do people who are "happily single" insist that they are happy? It's like they're not talking to you, but a mirror instead. A lie said over and over again will eventually be accepted as the truth, but in this case, the audience seems unconvinced majority of the time.

Is it denial or hope that fuels these self-contradicting behaviors?

Doubt surrounds us, a large majority of famous people had many doubters, and they would proceed to prove these people wrong. But I'm willing to bet that it didn't matter how many detractors these people had, because the bottom line is, even if the whole world is against you, even if the people you trust the most begin to question you, at the end of the day, it's just one person that really needs convincing, that really needs to be proven wrong:

YOU.

Right Guy, Right Time

"The good guys are either taken or gay?"

I'm sure we've all heard this before (and if you haven't, get a life, seriously). Most men who've heard this from a befriended prospect have probably felt the urge to wave their hands around and shout "EXCUSE ME, I'M RIGHT HERE!". Those who haven't been in such a situation are pretty lucky or at least know when to pick their battles.

Seriously, this is why I can't help but think the world is one sick little joke. When the label of "nice guy" stops being the final nail on the coffin to your campaign of romance rather than a plus or indication that you're nearing your goal, then maybe I'll start thinking that this world is all about sunshine and rainbows. Alas, that is most often or not the case. Tough.

Friend told me once, I'm just bitter. I asked this friend to tell me I'm wrong, she can't, say I'm really just bitter. Whether she accepts it or not, I have no idea. But yes, I am bitter about it. When a prospect has full knowledge of your intentions tells you that there are no more decent men out there, I consider that a hint. Am I reading too much into it? Perhaps I am. But it does paint quite the picture, a very unpleasant one.

What was it that Famke Jansen's iteration of Jean Grey said? Oh yeah: Girls flirt with the dangerous guy, Logan. They don't take him home. They marry the good guy. So maybe there is hope. Yeah sure, anyone who fits the description of a good guy is going to love that. Thank you for reinforcing the notion that "Nice guys finish last." That'll make him feel better. (Protip: it won't)

Of course, the question is, how sure are we that we are the right person for someone? It's quite arrogant to claim that you're everything that girl is looking for if you think about it. You may be the decent old chap, never hurt anyone, and would probably provide your mark with everything she may ever need. But that doesn't guarantee you're perfect for her. Human beings are so dynamic that while personally types can give you a general idea of how a person reacts to things, it's still not iron clad, and people do change, and lie.

Then there's that notion of timing. I'd elaborate but really, timing is relative to a person who claims that they're just waiting for the right time. It could cover a number of events, phenomena or dialog, bottomline is, you will never get it and will probably just be lucky you got the timing right.

Unfortunately, best way around this beautiful little mess is to stick to it, suck it up, and plow through. Eventually the answers will come and you don't end up on the friend zone.

Still think it's a cruel joke though.

Damn You Subconscious

My subconscious and I are constantly at war. Okay maybe it's more of silent disagreement, a Cold War if you will. Two factions not really in direct conflict with each other, but both wait in baited breath on which of us will make the first move. In the meantime, all that is left is preparation, and everyone is screwed over by propaganda and paranoia. It's a nice little dynamic, if you don't mind living confused and afraid.

Consciously, I know what I want more or less. Get through the day, try to forward a few plans here and there, have fun. I know who and what I long for. No problem. Everything is clear cut, and deliberate attempts are made to reach out for those things. Regardless of the outcome, I'm sure this is what I'm going for.

But that all goes to shit when I actually hit the hay. You see, I've always hated my dreams, not only do they involve nonsensical scenarios that I barely remember when I wake up (other than the fact that those were really messed up situations that not even Uwe Boll would dare touch) but they often include individuals who I know in the waking world. It's, for the lack of a better or more accurate term, creepy. And I'd hate for that person to know that I dream of them because its awkward and disturbing. I'd hate to think I'm that disturbed. I hope I'm not.

You might say, that's not strange at all. We always dream about the people who we connect to , impact us or we have a certain interest in. See, here's the problem, when I'm awake, I know who this person is. When I sleep, it's a totally different person, and not a metaphorical sense. This leads me to two conclusions, either I'm lying to my waking self, and my subconscious is calling me out on my bullshit via the subterfuge of a pointless dream... or it's telling me of a better option. In either case, I'm pretty sure I'm at a loss here.

So damn you subconscious, this little game we're playing? I'm tired of it. Is it too much to ask for some clarity? I don't have time to do some Zen stuff to find oneness with you. Well, I actually do, but lack the discipline and concentration to even pursue that. But cut me some slack, I'm decided, it a may be a lost cause, but its still my choice. Stop trying to ruin/fix it for me. Because all you've done is give me vague and unrealistically hypothetical outcomes. I mean, come on, we're the same person after all. Would it kill you to try and meet me eye to eye here?

Things Left Unsaid Part 2

I'm not a fan of Grey's Anatomy. It's overly dramatic and the medicine seems crap shot at best. Heck I've made fun of it before in this blog. But I will admit that the narration, and how it coincides with the scenes, are bloody brilliant. It also helps a lot that Meredith Grey's voice, even in its dead pan form, just sounds made to deliver such lines. The season finale, was, in true melodramatic fashion, a cliffhanger. But rather than focus on the story and spoil it for the fans, we're going to focus instead, on the last lines of narration.

Meredith: Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.
- source wikiquote.org

It's powerful, it's moving, and quite frankly whether you love or hate the show, it makes a lot of Goddamn sense. What more can one add? Sure we rarely find ourselves in life or death situations like in the show, and thank God for that. But perhaps that's what the line was alluding too. Such moments, such times, can never be truly foreseen. They come when we least expect it because frankly, we don't, won't and are too scared to even fathom those situations.

I once argued with a friend about letting such moments pass, or whether or not we should ever worry about what if, what could've been. While its easy to say, heck maybe even advisable never to ask ourselves that, never to look back on those things, can we truly, sincerely, and without doubt do so?

While the jury is out on which of us is correct, I'll be damned if I don't at least try something, make a plan, or set a goal. Because like what Dr. Grey said, it might all be gone tomorrow.

Enough

If you look to your left, you might remember this scene from the hit romantic comedy, Love Actually. It's not your typical romcom/chick flick, as it is one of the few movies to have multiple storylines that converge in the end and do it quite well. Sure it's still overly optimistic and has mad dash's to the airport which is typical of romantic comedies since time in memorial. However there is a hint of tragedy lying there somewhere and the airport scene is done in a manner that would be considered borderline satire. It's an amazing little movie with a great cast (Alan Rickman, Bill Nighy and Rowan Atkinson, what's not to like?) and is only one Hugh Laurie and John Cleese away from total awesomeness if not godhood.

The scene depicted is perhaps one of the most memorable awwww-inspiring moments. Bloggers and bloggerettes have cited that scene a bajillion times which is somewhat strange because it pales in comparison to the wedding scene, which you'll have to watch as descbring it does it no justice. (Also, let's see you pull that off in your wedding). Now, if you haven't seen it, or plan on actually seeing it, it would probably be best you stop reading now. As the next paragraph might contain spoilers and overly mushy bullcrap.

Now, I mentioned the word tragedy and if you've seen the flick you're thinking to yourself, "how did that happen? Everyone in the goddamn movie found love even that douchebag pervert Colin!" (actually no they didn't). My sister had warned me that watching this would be depressing. And to be quite honest, it is, but not in the manner in which she thought it would be. Being single for nearly 3 years isn't the reason why the movie's ending can depress a man like myself. That scene, and many others however, is the black cloud, so to speak. What you missed here is what comes after, sure Keira Knightley's character went and gave him a kiss, the asshole is trying steal the girl from his best friend, but hey let's forgive him he just went in there WITHOUT HOPE OR AGENDA and told her the truth! No the truth did not set him free! It was the last word in that entire scene that freed the man, and it's a word that a lot of us struggle to use, for whatever motherfucking reasons we delude ourselve to believing. You know that word is?

ENOUGH.

Yes, that word. Wherein we finally admit that this was crazy, this feelings are wrong and Love Actually isn't all around because it missed by a motherfucking mile here. Yes I'm angry right now, not only because I can relate to it but also because it oh so fucking brilliant! Brilliant that one could hide behind the phrase "WITHOUT HOPE OR AGENDA" tell the truth, say Merry Fucking Christmas and go on with life. But guess what? It doesn't work that way. Even as much as we want to say that we simply came in and told the truth, not hoping for anything, not tyring to meet an end goal other than bearing your heart out, the aftermath is still there, and unlike a movie that can write it out and skip it, we still have to go through it.

Despite this rage-filled comment, I still like the movie. Despite the shallowness, the ridiculous optimism and feel-good-ish vibe, the story works. It's a bunch of love stories trying to prove to us that love is all around, regardless of what kind of love that is, what age, what nationalty and whether or not it works out in the end. Most people only see the sap and the mushiness, but I think there hasn't been a movie that can cover so many spectrums of love, the good and the bad while still making you smile in the end.

[Photo above taken from http://www.robertopereztoledo.com]

Yeah, that's about right